New Year/2011 Recap

Since I'm still out of work on disability, I've had a hard time coming up with something to write about.  I've been trying to focus on my health, but really I'm home bored most of the time.  I've done some wedding planning, watched about 293845720372435 episodes of Criminal Minds, spent hours on Pinterest/Etsy, scrapbooked and researched my new diagnosis' for HOURS.  Since the last time I blogged about my mental illness, I was evaluated by a psychiatrist and diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Depression and OCD.  So, now that we have that figured out, I get to be subject to a nice little cocktail of meds that I'm still getting used to.  They make me feel dizzy, have blurred vision and just, well...numb. Hopefully I'll get back on the right track and I finally have a return to work date set.

But until then, I found this on JeeYoung's blog and thought it would be a nice distraction from the numbness.

2011: In The Beginning
Where did you bring in the New Year? Gold Crown Billiards
Who were you with? Steven, Natasha, Kara, Virginia, Jimmy, Mo, Jaimie...lots of our "bar crew"
Did you make any resolutions? To finally get my life together

2011: Your Love Life
Did you break up with anyone? Nope!
Did you get anything for Valentine’s day? Yes, flowers and a nice dinner at Vito's
Did you meet anyone special? Nope.
Did you fall in love? I stayed in love :)
2011: Friends and Enemies
Did you meet any new friends this year? Yes
Did any of your friendships end? Nope, I think I survived 2011 without one.
Did you dislike anyone? I’m impatient and intolerant of ignorance; so, I’m sure I disliked people in many moments throughout 2011.--I'm keeping JeeYoung's answer, since she summed it up perfectly
Did you make any new enemies? I'm sure
Did you resolve any fights? Of course!
Who was(were) your closest friend(s)? Steven, The RHH&Co, Heather, Anna, Meri, Shae
Who did you grow apart from? Can’t really think of anyone in particular.
Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships? Nope
2011: Your BIRTHDAY!!
Did you have a cake? Nope
Did you have a party? Nope
Did you get any presents? Yes a few things from my dad
If so, what was the best thing you got? Steven and I celebrated our birthday weekend watching Reds games, so baseball is always our favorite gift
2011: All about YOU
Did you change at all this year? I finally matured and realized I needed to ask for help
Did you dye your hair? Yes.
Did you get your hair cut? No
Did you change your style? Not really, but I think I have become more consistently fashionable
Were you in school? Nope.
Did you have a job? Yes
Did you drive? About 2 minutes to and from work each day
Did you own a car? Yes, my trusty Civic
Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes! Heather and Nicole both had sweet babies, and I have 3 friends expecting in the next few months!
Did you move at all? Nope and don’t plan on it for awhile
Did you go on any vacations? Siesta Key, Florida; Baltimore, MD; Virginia Beach
Did you leave the country at all? Unfortunately not
Would you change anything about yourself now? I need to get back in running shape
2011: Wrap Up.
Is 2011 a good year? I got engaged, but it's been a difficult year
Did 2011 bring any new insights?  I'm learning to try and let things and people in the past go and look toward the future, and also that I need to take care of myself
Do you think 2012 will top 2011? I hope so, I'm getting married!
2012
How old will you turn in 2012? 25
Do you think you’ll be married by then? I'm getting married Feb 17th!
What do you look forward to most in the next 2 months? My wedding, Jessica's baby
Will you be looking for a new job? Possibly
Will you be looking for a new relationship? No.
New house? Nope
New Years resolution? Take care of myself
Any trips planned? Yes, Las Vegas for our wedding!
Wedding plans? Yes, both mine and my BFF Angela!
What’s on your calendar? Nothing but Dr appointments,wedding stuff until I go back to work
What can’t you wait for? I can’t wait to be married
What would you like to see happen different? Have a more positive, healthy year.
What about yourself will you be changing? My outlook on life, letting the hurt go, learning to love myself
What happened in ’11 that you didn’t think would ever happen? I never thought I'd have a breakdown, but I finally realized I had been too strong for too long
What will you do differently in 2012? Get married!

Happy Christmas!

I promise I'm trying to get back in the blog routine.  I've been trying to find things to do since I've had so much time off work and get back to the old me. Dealing with Metlife has been overwhelming, and even though I still have days where I can't get out of bed and cry all day, I've been having some really good days too. Since my last post I've gotten back into my scrapbooking stuff and plan to finish my Australia book (since I was there in 2007 and it's still not done, and then just picking up my new book starting with Steven and I dating until now.  I have organized pretty much every nook in my house and am ALMOST done planning my wedding which is freakishly soon-only 46 more days!

Speaking of wedding things, Steven family threw me my first bridal shower since my last post, which included Steven's mother, aunts, grandmother, sister and cousin; and my grandmother and best friend Angela.

 Me and my bridesmaids: Angela, me, Liz (Steven's cousin) and Kara (Steven's sister)

 My grandma, Steven's Aunt Dorothy (and Benji) and Steven's grandmom

 Me and Steven's mom, Betty

And finally me with all my presents :)

Not pictured were Steven's aunts: Joan, Nancy and Marie who flew in from Key West.  I was super excited to be able to have a shower with all of my future in-laws since most of them won't be able to make the trip to Vegas.  They were awesome and I love that they treat me like I've always been part of their family.

And then there was Christmas.  Steven and I hosted our first family Christmas gathering at our home with my dad, his fiance, my brother and sister and Steven's family.  I even got a great pic of my future in laws:

Me & Steven, Greg and Betty, Kara and her husband, Jimmy.

I think I was most excited because this year is not only mine and my stepsister's weddings, but my dad is getting married too.  To surprise him and his fiance, my brother and our future siblings had pictures taken and I was so excited with how they turned out:

My soon to be stepmother even cried :)

And since it's Jan 2, I'll go ahead and throw in a New Years Eve pic for good measure!

I promise he really loves me :)  Hope everyone had a Happy Holiday!

I'm backkkkkk

Hi Everyone,

I realize I have taken a LONG hiatus from my blog, but I have a few semi-good reasons.

For one:  Planning my wedding is driving me crazy!!!  Some days I just sit and stare at my to-do list and wish I could summon the RHH with the wiggle of my nose a la Samantha on Bewitched.  Planning my wedding might have been better done at the 3020.  Living there no one was surprised when anyone burst into tears/has a fit of rage (sets fire to things while drinking wine from the bottle) and knew when one of the other roommates was blankly staring at a project, it was time to step in and get things done.

Another wedding issue is how affected I am that my mother has chosen not to be a part of my life and therefore, my wedding.  She only cares about herself and alcohol.  When my engagement announcement ran in the local paper, I got a two page letter telling my what an appalling, disgraceful daughter I am.  When I picked out my wedding dress, all I wanted was my mother's approval.  But, since we haven't actually spoken in years, I didn't get the experience every girl dreams of.  I know she is mentally ill, but it doesn't stop me from freaking out when I need a mom.  I hate asking for help.  It's so embarrassing to ask Steven's mother to help with things I think my family/mother should do, but I guess that's just something I'll have to get over.  I didn't have the greatest childhood, but I can't let my past define my future.  By all outsider standards I've done pretty well for myself. I'm 24 years old, worked since 16, graduated high school with honors at 17, moved out on my own the week I turned 18, graduated college on the Dean's list at 21, held down multiple jobs when necessary, got my first big girl job at 22, bought a house and got engaged at 23 and this year I'm marrying my soul mate.  I think my mother should be proud.  I don't know what I could have done better or different.

Second: My job is insane.  Working in cellular retail is hostile and tiring.  I really am a good person, and a perfectionist that always goes above and beyond to help the customer. Yet, day after day I'm told how stupid and worthless I am over the silliest things.  Like "you can't take cash at the register?" (it's just a computer, we can only take cash at one machine that I'd be happy to help you use) or "My bill is $600 past due! Why did they turn it off? I'm going to pay it!" (As long as you set up a payment plan that won't happen...but...really?) or even "I declined insurance and threw my $800 (full retail) phone in the toilet! What do you mean it's not covered under warranty!??!!!"  (ummm...warranties generally don't cover stupidity).  I could go on and on.  Just once I'd like to feel appreciated at my job.

Finally, in November between the wedding, my mom, and my job, the depression I dealt with as a child came back with a vengeance, and a partner: anxiety.  Many people don't understand mental illnesses like depression or anxiety but they can be crippling. I would cry every morning and evening. I would spend breaks in my car crying and even though the dark clouds would sometimes lift momentarily and let me have a good day, most days I was in a fog. Some days I still am.

That's the thing about depression. Even if on the outside you don't seem to have anything to be upset about, you are.  Anxiety just makes me worry about EVERYTHING.  Do people like me? Did I make the right decision? Will I be able to pay the bills this month? Will it snow on my wedding and cause flight delays?  Most things I worry about I can't even control!  I've also been diagnosed with OCD so knowing that I'm not going to be perfect at everything and everything is not always going to be in it's place adds to my anxiety...but I'm working on it.

I finally had a nervous breakdown which is the most embarrassing part.  I've taken FMLA and have been out of work to get the counseling and medication I need to stabilize.  I will do anything to feel like myself again, and it has taken a lot of self reflection and hard work.  Luckily I have Steven and the RHH and a few close friends behind me, who never judge me and love me whether the fog is around me or not.  I can't wait to get back to normal and live the happy life I deserve!

I know this was a long one, but I'm going to try to be around more often :) Here's a few snapshots of what I've been up to since July:

Like going to Cincinnati to watch the Reds for mine and Steven's birthday:

And taking my dad (and his fiance-not pictured) so we could be silly:

 

Finally getting to meet and hang out with the newest, cutest member of the RHH:

 And anxiously awaiting Baby Trimble (who you may be familiar with from my RLBFF's Blog):

Isn't she totally adorable?

And finally getting to set up our First Christmas Tree:

I can't believe it's almost been a year since we bought our home and I'm looking forward to many years to come!

Thanks for hanging in there during my hiatus!

Going Going Going

So last weekend, Angie and I hit the beach...well as best we could. It was only 24154354 degrees outside so we would stay out as long as we could stand it, take our afternoon nap, go out to dinner, walk the boardwalk once it cooled down and then we were mostly in bed by 10p.m.  Yeah, we're totally cool. Not sure how we went from crazy to old in less than 2 years but I'm okay with it.  We would have more pictures if A) Jessica would have been there and B) It was under 100 degrees and we wouldn't have been searching for AC instead.  I do have one picture though:

Angie was a little hesitant about staying at the Schooner Inn, but hey, it was cheap!

Today I'm really procrastinating by blogging since in a few hours Angie's picking me up, and we're off to DC with Jess and Fox to see...

My 10 year old self is freaking out right now!  Half of me wants to see the "Hit Me Baby One More Time"  Britney, the other half wants to see Hot Mess Britney.  Either way it should be a good time :)  Even if we have a prego on board...

Since Jess is out on her own blog I might as well shout out a HUGE congrats to my BFF and fellow RHH and Kevin too on their little Ziggy due Feb 23 :) So excited for them!

Now, what do I wear to a B Spears concert?

Open Letter Pt 2 and The Beach!

So I suppose I should at least link Michelle Hughes blog since the prior post has been one of my most popular. So if you're interested in the type of person she is, here is her blog: http://thebeautyjunkieobsessed.blogspot.com/

My favorite post is the December 31, 2009 one.  Still blaming everyone else for her problems.

Anyway, enough about her, more about this Michelle.  I got our save the dates today and they're super cute magnets!  I wish I didn't have to work because I can't wait to get them in the mail!  Too bad I work tomorrow, but after I get off I'm picking up Angela and we're beach bound for the weekend!  It will be much needed relaxation.  The only downside is Steven was in Cincinnati last weekend, I'll be at the beach this weekend, the he'll be at his best friend's bachelor party the weekend after.  I love that we both do our own things, but we also love spending time together.  I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder and we appreciate each other much more when the other comes home from a few days away.


So, 6 pm, beach bound and it couldn't come sooner!  Hopefully we'll get some wedding stuff done too!

An Open Letter

As all of my followers that know me in real life know, Steven was married before.  And I was shocked that considering how his divorce went down he proposed after us dating only 2 1/2 years. A divorce is caused by the faults of two people, however in the case of Steven's divorce, I have taken a brunt of his ex's anger.  Now that I am engaged, I cannot carry this anger towards her anymore.  So here's my open letter to her after being silent for so long.

Dear Michelle Hughes,

First of all, thank you for leaving Steven.  It is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and you are somewhat responsible for some of the happiness I feel with him every day.  I want you to know that yes, I did know Steven while you were married. We had mutual friends and I'll admit that I was attracted to him.  However, I NEVER even thought about having a relationship with him.  Honestly, I avoided him. There was never an affair.

When you left him, I allowed myself to be friends with him, and though our relationship moved quickly, his relationship with you was over and I refused to postpone my own happiness.  When I found out you were dating and sleeping with the Waynesboro officer and others I felt better about moving my relationship with Steven forward.

When the divorce was fresh, everyone around me talked trash about you. I do know it takes two people to ruin a marriage, and kept my mouth shut.  I mean, there must be something good about you, or he wouldn't have married you. When he moved out of your old house, I even made him store a few things you left behind I thought you might think were sentimental or important. However, that's when the attacks on me began.

Before I continue, you should know you have a friend that is not really your friend.  She's not mine either really, I think she just likes to stir the pot.  I know so many of the things you've said about me it makes me sick.  In fact, when your father and others went around saying Steven and I had an affair and it got back to my own father, that's when I realized I could stop sticking up for you. That's when I trashed the things I previously made Steven keep, just in case. Your divorce should never have had anything to do with me. Yet, you felt you could could "have the last word" and bully me? You can't.  And I won't let you.  You should talk to me like the woman you should be instead of blasting my name over this town.  For someone who supposedly doesn't give a damn about me, you sure do run your mouth about me a lot.

So, you want to know how it feels to be the second Mrs. Michelle Kramer?  It feels AWESOME!  Actually, if you Google or Facebook the name Michelle Kramer there are thousands, but I get what you mean.  If you would have actually had the audacity to come up to me and ask that (I know you never would) I would have responded with, "How does it feel to be 30, unemployed, bankrupt, living with your parents and pregnant with the baby of some guy from West VA?"  I just feel bad for Emma Lee, but I'm sure once she's born you'll have other things to worry about than me which I'm greatly looking forward to. I hope you don't take out your misery on her.

Michelle, I'm not a bad person, and I've held my tongue for awhile now.  If you truly don't give a damn, realize that I have better things to do than worry about you. You have quite a bit on your plate to worry about and I honestly feel bad for the position you've put yourself in.  Not that bad since your decisions have created a happiness for me that I never thought I'd feel.  We bought a house not too long ago and we're getting married in 6 months. Although I'm sure you already know this.

As far as karma goes, it's been pretty nice to me.  I'm glad you think you know so much about me, but trust me you don't. I'd be glad to talk to you woman to woman, but seeing as you're always sick or pretending to be sick or dehydrated, etc. that might be hard to arrange.  In the mean time, we wish nothing but the best for you. Now, if you could just leave me alone that would be great.  Stop spreading rumors and stop trusting in so many people, because they are making sure it gets back to me.  We can be adults about this.  In the French version of movies, the ex and the new wife become friends.  But I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to be your enemy either. I don't want you to feel you have to pout and glare at us at JMU games, or create false stories to make people think I'm bullying you.  I'm not sure other than this blog post how I've even come close to being a "bitch" to you, but you can go ahead and drop the act.  If you're always playing the victim, Michelle, you can never be the hero.  And Emma Lee is going to need someone to be her hero.

I wish nothing but the best for you Michelle.  Let your hatred for me end here.  And also keep an eye on who you are trusting.  Not all your friends are as trustworthy as you think.  It might be in your best interest to find some new friends.  And if you want to talk about this like an adult, feel free to contact me.  This blog is linked to my email, or I'm sure you've looked me up on Facebook.  If not have a nice life and best wishes.

Sincerely yours,
Michelle

I'm a horrible blogger....with BIG NEWS

Yes I know, I'm a horrible blogger.  Jess has been begging me to blog about this exciting event for weeks...long story short...I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!

On Friday, June 24th we left for a weekend trip to Baltimore, MD to watch the Orioles/Reds series.  Friday night's game went 3 extra innings and Steven was getting mad about how horrible the Reds were playing.  After the Orioles won in a walk-off, Steven was upset, but surprised me by asking her to stay with him and watch the fireworks show, knowing how much I love them.

During the fireworks finale, Steven told me he had something he'd been meaning to ask me and pulled out the ring.  Neither of us really remember what was said after that but I started to cry and of course said yes!  We then went out to celebrate in the inner harbor and of course call and announce our engagement to all of their family and friends!

Us in the inner harbor

The Rock

Of course since then we've set a date: February 17, 2012, and with that date FAST approaching and our wedding taking place in VEGAS I've been crazy busy and too stressed to blog. But I'm going to try to be better :) 

However, we now have a venue and yesterday I bought my dress!!!
Here's a sneak peek!

 

For more wedding info view my wedding website, and PLEASE sign my guest book :)