I realize I have taken a LONG hiatus from my blog, but I have a few semi-good reasons.
For one: Planning my wedding is driving me crazy!!! Some days I just sit and stare at my to-do list and wish I could summon the RHH with the wiggle of my nose a la Samantha on Bewitched. Planning my wedding might have been better done at the 3020. Living there no one was surprised when anyone burst into tears/has a fit of rage (sets fire to things while drinking wine from the bottle) and knew when one of the other roommates was blankly staring at a project, it was time to step in and get things done.
Another wedding issue is how affected I am that my mother has chosen not to be a part of my life and therefore, my wedding. She only cares about herself and alcohol. When my engagement announcement ran in the local paper, I got a two page letter telling my what an appalling, disgraceful daughter I am. When I picked out my wedding dress, all I wanted was my mother's approval. But, since we haven't actually spoken in years, I didn't get the experience every girl dreams of. I know she is mentally ill, but it doesn't stop me from freaking out when I need a mom. I hate asking for help. It's so embarrassing to ask Steven's mother to help with things I think my family/mother should do, but I guess that's just something I'll have to get over. I didn't have the greatest childhood, but I can't let my past define my future. By all outsider standards I've done pretty well for myself. I'm 24 years old, worked since 16, graduated high school with honors at 17, moved out on my own the week I turned 18, graduated college on the Dean's list at 21, held down multiple jobs when necessary, got my first big girl job at 22, bought a house and got engaged at 23 and this year I'm marrying my soul mate. I think my mother should be proud. I don't know what I could have done better or different.
Second: My job is insane. Working in cellular retail is hostile and tiring. I really am a good person, and a perfectionist that always goes above and beyond to help the customer. Yet, day after day I'm told how stupid and worthless I am over the silliest things. Like "you can't take cash at the register?" (it's just a computer, we can only take cash at one machine that I'd be happy to help you use) or "My bill is $600 past due! Why did they turn it off? I'm going to pay it!" (As long as you set up a payment plan that won't happen...but...really?) or even "I declined insurance and threw my $800 (full retail) phone in the toilet! What do you mean it's not covered under warranty!??!!!" (ummm...warranties generally don't cover stupidity). I could go on and on. Just once I'd like to feel appreciated at my job.
Finally, in November between the wedding, my mom, and my job, the depression I dealt with as a child came back with a vengeance, and a partner: anxiety. Many people don't understand mental illnesses like depression or anxiety but they can be crippling. I would cry every morning and evening. I would spend breaks in my car crying and even though the dark clouds would sometimes lift momentarily and let me have a good day, most days I was in a fog. Some days I still am.
That's the thing about depression. Even if on the outside you don't seem to have anything to be upset about, you are. Anxiety just makes me worry about EVERYTHING. Do people like me? Did I make the right decision? Will I be able to pay the bills this month? Will it snow on my wedding and cause flight delays? Most things I worry about I can't even control! I've also been diagnosed with OCD so knowing that I'm not going to be perfect at everything and everything is not always going to be in it's place adds to my anxiety...but I'm working on it.
I finally had a nervous breakdown which is the most embarrassing part. I've taken FMLA and have been out of work to get the counseling and medication I need to stabilize. I will do anything to feel like myself again, and it has taken a lot of self reflection and hard work. Luckily I have Steven and the RHH and a few close friends behind me, who never judge me and love me whether the fog is around me or not. I can't wait to get back to normal and live the happy life I deserve!
I know this was a long one, but I'm going to try to be around more often :) Here's a few snapshots of what I've been up to since July:
Like going to Cincinnati to watch the Reds for mine and Steven's birthday:
And taking my dad (and his fiance-not pictured) so we could be silly:
Finally getting to meet and hang out with the newest, cutest member of the RHH:
And anxiously awaiting Baby Trimble (who you may be familiar with from my RLBFF's Blog):
Isn't she totally adorable?
And finally getting to set up our First Christmas Tree:
I can't believe it's almost been a year since we bought our home and I'm looking forward to many years to come!
Thanks for hanging in there during my hiatus!
