1. Strangers that touch babies. Seriously, why are you touching a baby you don't know? When is the last time you washed your hands? Why is it necessary to touch a baby just because it's cute? You have probably sneezed, picked your nose and not washed your hands after using the bathroom and now you're touching a baby? Get some Purell, look and don't touch, and basically mind your own effing business! That goes for touching baby bumps too. I barely touched my cousin and best friends when they were pregnant WITH their permission. If I get pregnant and someone touches my bump, I swear I'm going to touch their belly awkwardly until they get the hint. I'm also going to make a sign for my stroller that says "Do not touch baby". Laminated. And I will cut you if you don't obey the sign.
2. Strangers that hug me. Similar to do not touch random babies. I'm not a hugger. Growing up I can't remember my parents hugging me. I can only really remember hugging my grandparents. I went to Australia and only gave my dad a peace sign. I hugged my cousin when he left for Afghanistan. That being said, I don't like hugging, especially strangers. What is the point? How long are you supposed to press your body against another person? When I watch Live with Kelly and Michael, I wonder why they hug every guest. WHY!?! I know, I'm weird since everyone else seems to be okay with it, but me? A peace sign will do.
3. Cooking shows. I'm not going to be following along with the chef, I am a horrible cook (I've started a fire while boiling water-no lie) and they make me hungry. Jessica used to make me watch Paula Dean, and I'd yell the entire time until she changed the channel. I can't cook, I'm not entertained, I'd rather be watching trashy reality TV. Jersey Shore and Honey Boo Boo, my love is infinite.
4. Surgery on TV. Blood, guts, intestines, brains, tumors. Enough said. That shit is gross, especially while eating. It makes me gag and makes me paranoid. What if I woke up during surgery? What if I tried to take a dump and gave birth in the bathroom? I could go my whole life without knowing what an episiotomy is (if in labor, the doctor would just do it and keep his mouth closed), seeing a placenta, knowing what a nasty tumor looks like or seeing the tree man (has anyone else seen that TLC special?) That is some SICK shit. At least on The Walking Dead and Criminal Minds I know that stuff is make up.
5. Being late. (Not to include Goulart timing). As much as I love Jessica and Heather, it is in their genes to be late. I know this. I understand this. I accept this. If I need them to be somewhere at 11am, I tell them to be there by 10:15am. Cool. No worries. But as I have discussed before, I am medicated for OCD and anxiety. When something is not going as planned I get super stressed out and worried. My mind goes to the worst case scenario and it can absolutely ruin my day. I've gotten in trouble for being too early for work. I often find myself arriving to a place early and sitting in my car for 20 minutes or so. I hope to one day change this behavior, but as it stands, I hate when things don't go according to plan and mess up my schedule.
6. The Easter Bunny & The Elf on the Shelf. Who ever came up with these sketch creatures is a sick, sick person. First, the Easter Bunny. A mutant bunny who leaves colored eggs on the porch. BUNNIES DON'T EVEN LAY EGGS! What is the connection? I avoid the mall during the Easter season. I am creeped out that some dude is wearing a bunny suit and having kids sit on his lap. I just don't get it. Sketch. (This also goes for "characters at Disney World or King's Dominion...also sketch).
I may look like I'm okay with this bunny, but trust me, that is my WTF face (which I have now perfected)
Also sketch is the Elf on the Shelf. I don't understand this tradition, but I have seen the creepy doll that is Elf on the Shelf. If my parents had tried to pull that shit with me, I would have been scarred for life. I feel for the children that have to endure that awful thing.7. Same side sitters. Working in restaurants throughout college, I've witnessed this phenomenon quite often. Usually it's a couple that wants to make out. Gross, save that shit for later. Aren't you getting in each others' way and bumping shoulders and elbows? Aren't there too many plates on one side of the table? Wouldn't you rather sit across from each other and converse? Same side sitters. Annoying servers since 1892.
8. Humming and whistling. That shit is annoying. I'd rather have dinner while watching surgery on TV with the Easter Bunny.
