30 Day Blogs Challenge: Day 4/5

Day 4:

Views on religion.

I've been told it is best not to discuss politics or religion.  I think religion is a very personal thing.  I think fundamentalists give their religions a bad name and cause too many wars.  I think church and state should be separate. I think a lot of churches are corrupt and spend their "offering" on materialistic things instead of spreading God's word and helping those in need.

I could go on and on...but onto Day 5:

A time you thought about ending your own life.

Well isn't this a fun topic?  It is no secret that I have battled depression and anxiety for many years.  What is hard to admit is that I have considered this option on many occasions.  My cousin committed suicide a few years ago and it devastated my family. Even though my family was hurt and confused, I understood what it felt like for him to feel hopeless and alone.

When my parents divorced my depression came on full force.  I was angry, hurt and didn't know how to deal.  I lost some long-time friends who couldn't deal with the depressed Michelle and cut me off for good.  This made things worse.  Not only was I working, in school and my family falling apart, I was losing my "friends" too. I took things out on the guy I was dating at the time, and pushed him out of my life abruptly.  He couldn't understand my sadness, and I couldn't explain.  I just wanted to be alone.  My plans to move to Baltimore fell through.  My relationship with my mother fell apart and is destroyed to this day.

I can't blame anyone for not wanting to understand my depression and confusion, but I honestly felt I had no one. I thought about crashing my car.  I thought about taking as many sleeping pills as I could.  Sometimes the only reason I didn't follow through with these plans was the possibility that they would not work and then I would be committed, or injured and permanently handicapped.

I went through the days in a fog.  I am forever grateful to my bff Angela, who let me vent without judgement, and who understood my anxiety and erratic behavior. I had lost touch with some friends and was pushed away by others, but one day Jessica called me (we hadn't talked much for about 2 years due to a "situation" and asked me to meet her at Starbucks.  It was as if no time had passed.  We caught up and in just a few weeks I moved in to her townhouse (where I met another bff, Fox) and Angela moved in shortly after.   Add in Jessica's sister, Heather; Heather's bff Kristin L, Natasha, Liz and "the cousins" Nicole and Kristin H and you have the RHH.

I slowly began to heal.  I met Steven. I fell in love with him and his family. Slowly my days have returned to what is "normal."  Some days are good.  Some days are bad.  Regardless, I now have the most incredible support system in my new family dynamic, my husband, the RHH, and the other friends that have stuck with me during my craziest days.  I can't even list or even truly ever express my gratitude for the people that got me through the thickest fog and continue to support me.

Thanks guys.

I promise I'll have a happier post next time :)